Rewrite
by Tramontana Keeper
Summary: Free Characters of Fullmetal Alchemist,' announced Edward dramatically, 'I have seen the future, and it is bleak.' The Ultimate Horror...a lousy Ending...demands the Ultimate Sacrifice to change it. Crack, Silliness, and much breakage of the Fourth Wall
1. Rewrite

ZOMG! I'm actually writing a non-angsty, silly, FMA fic! And having loads of fun XD.  
**Warnings: **Full anime spoilers,movie trailer spoilers.Cursing. Crack. Craziness. (any other adjectives that begin with 'c'?)

**Rewrite**

"Pssst."

Lust looked around her room in Dante's mansion, decided she must be imagining things, and turned to leave.

"Psssst!"

The call was more urgent this time.

She frowned and scanned the room yet again, this time glimpsing a head of blond hair out the window.

"What the hell are you doing here?" she snapped. "You're only supposed to appear in another few episodes. I'm not even supposed to _know_ you!"

"Don't yell, will you?" the frustrated voice came. "I'll explain everything, if you promise you won't kill me. We're Offscreen right now anyway."

Lust crossed her arms. "This had better be good, Tree-boy."

Russel Tringham pulled himself carefully up and sat on the window sill. "Oh, it's good," he promised. He brushed a few leaves out of his hair, seeming to enjoy the slight sense of power he had at the moment to actually have a homunculus wait on his words. "Elric got a copy of the Script."

"What?" It was impossible. _Nobody_ could get their hands on the Script. Dante had been trying for ages, even attempting to hatch a plan involving kidnapping one of the Scriptwriters, but to no avail. "How the hell did he manage to do that?" she managed, once she picked her jaw back up off the floor.

"I dunno," Russel sighed, slightly jealous. "I guess it has something to do with him being the guy who always pulls off the impossible stuff in this story."

"Well, it's not going to work this time," Lust said smugly. "The Stone is already created – there's nothing he can do about it."

The alchemist shook his head. "Ah-ah, remember, he's got the script. He checked what happens. And…" he paused for dramatic effect, "it's _bad._"

"…how bad?" Lust asked suspiciously.

"For one, _you _die, and you don't even get a really awesome fight scene, either. Turns out those cool fights in the Opening Credits were misleading. Nothing like that happens."

Lust sighed in disappointment, then what he said abruptly penetrated. "What do you mean I _die_!" she nearly shrieked. "I'm the first sin shown in the series! They can't kill me off just like that! It's because of that bitch Envy, isn't it? I bet _he_ doesn't die…" she trailed off into incoherent muttering.

"That's why shrimpy Fullmetal is proposing --- ---- ----" he beckoned Lust over and murmured a few words in her ear.

"That's crazy!" Lust whispered, impressed despite herself at the sheer audacity of the Plan. "We'll never get away with it."

"We've got nothing to lose if we try," Russel said persuasively.

"It'll never work. The story's following Fullmetal right now! When exactly does he expect to steal Offscreen time?"

Russel grinned. "Elric told me to tell you that some Winry and Sciezka persons are going to be Onscreen very soon. If we hurry, that should give us enough time to discuss the Plan."

Lust bit her lip. That Person would never agree to any kind of negotiations.

Already with one leg out the window, Russel looked back at her. "Only tell the ones you think will be convinced. Bye." And he vanished in a rustle of leaves.

* * *

In the middle of the forest, there was a table. A long, carved-wood, rectangular table, with red plush chairs sitting around it, looking completely out of place.

Edward's sense of tackiness was still alive and kicking.

Slowly, surreptitiously, the invited characters started to arrive. Each one froze and blinked in the exact same horrified nonplussed way upon seeing the table.

Sitting at the head was Edward, who was getting rather sick of the looks. "We don't have all day, you know," he finally snapped. "I'm Onscreen again real soon, and at that point it's going to be too late."

The assembled characters looked at each other suspiciously, before unwillingly taking seats.

Envy shot a murderous glare at Havoc when he tried to sit next to him. Havoc gulped, and opted to sit next to Armstrong, who was seated at Ed's left hand. Al was standing defensively behind his brother.

Lust rolled her eyes and sat down next to Envy, Rose on her other side. Mustang stalked over to Ed's right hand, and had a brief battle of wills with the boy over the seat of power at the head of the table. Surprisingly, Mustang lost.

Also present were Russel, Sloth, Wrath, Hawkeye, and (surprisingly enough) Archer.

"What's _he_ doing here?" Roy immediately demanded, pointing his thumb at the offending military officer. Archer contrived to look offended.

Ed dismissed the question. "He's got a stake in this as well." The blond alchemist stood up, frowned, then stood on his chair for his oration.

"Free Characters of Fullmetal Alchemist," the title was delivered with a certain smugness, "I have seen the future, and it is bleak!"

"Cut the drama, Pipsqueak, and tell me why I care," Envy cut in.

Scowling, Ed refused to back down. "_I'm _the one that has the Script. You should care, Envy, you have no idea of the horrors in store for you. You're going to be practically destroyed! Your brain apparently turns to mush, for you behave in the most idiotic way. You end up turning into a _snake_, Envy." Ed's eyes fixed the homunculus' with glittering intensity. "A _butt-ugly_ snake!"

A gasp rippled around the table, and Envy leaned back in his chair, gripping the armrests, visibly paler. The other characters held their breaths, suddenly frightened of what they might find out.

Ed wasn't finished. "Havoc – you don't get a girlfriend. Not even a _hope_ of one." His incriminating finger moved to Wrath. "You are irrevocably crippled."

"Roy – you lose an eye. You don't even get to be Fuhrer. You're _demoted_. Liza – you're forced to babysit Roy to the end of your days. Sloth – you're killed ignominiously, by yours truly. Archer – you become a freakish, stupid Terminator ripoff. Russel, you're just ignored."

Panting could be heard around the table, and Ed allowed them a moment of silence to contemplate their miserable fates.

"It gets worse, though," Ed said, his voice dropping ominously. "I heard there's going to be a _movie_."

He had them.

* * *

"Ah, but you haven't even mentioned the horrible fate in store for _you_!" Armstrong practically shouted, tears running down his cheeks. "A terrible ending to such a story of courage and perseverance!"

"Nevermind that now," Ed mumbled, not liking the gleam in several of the assembled peoples' eyes.

"Terrible fate?" Wrath asked expectantly.

"That's _not_ the issue. Fellow characters," Ed announced, regaining his 'orator' mode, "I propose….a Mutiny."

Had they been Onscreen, dramatic music would have punctuated this bold suggestion, but as they were all hiding Offscreen, they were forced to let this climactic moment pass by in slightly anticlimactic silence.

"It's impossible," Archer said flatly. "Didn't you hear what happened to the Ranma 1/2 cast? They tried to Mutiny, in the _manga_ no less. They actually nearly had themselves cured and the wedding under way when the Powers That Be got wind of it. They took over, and left the cast _hanging_. No resolution, no conclusion."

The absolute nightmare of every character.

A short, sympathetic moment of silence was shared for the poor victims of the Ranma 1/2 Mutiny, all too soon broken.

"We can't risk it," said Russel.

"If we're careful, we can make it," Ed explained, and pulled out of his coat – _the Script_. "It's going to demand _everyone's _cooperation, though. If we do it, we can tweak the story bit by bit – throw in good Plot Twists, make them think it was their idea. If we're in it together, there are less chances of Them taking control of one of us to screw everything up."

"I propose we wait until after episode 43," Roy said, nose buried in the Script which he had appropriated when Ed was busy lecturing.

"Hey!" Ed snatched the Script back. "No, we've gotta start now."

"But I get to assert my authority over you, and kick your ass!"

"NO. We're skipping that bit."

Envy, finally recovered from the shock of possibly becoming an ugly snake, cut in. "So Shorty, what's your offer? I'll only cooperate if there's something in it for me. I want Hohenheim dead."

"That's a sacrifice I'm sure we can make," Ed said magnanimously.

"Brother!" Al snapped. "He's our father!"

"It's for the greater good, Al," Ed lay a sympathetic hand on Al's metal arm. "For the sake of everybody's happiness, we must, tragically, make some sacrifices." Small sparkles floated around Ed's head, ruining the moment a bit.

"I want a girlfriend, then," Havoc broke in.

"Sciezka?" Liza suggested.

"Perfect," Ed agreed. "Next?"

"You didn't even ask her," Wrath mumbled, slightly awed at the cavalier way Ed was going about rearranging the Series.

Ed waved his hand dismissively. "We'll manage."

"I'm Fuhrer, of course," Roy said, and Ed nodded. It figured.

Lust had an evil grin on her face. "I want….I want to finally act my namesake. This series is _far_ too clean to have a character named 'Lust'. The price for my cooperation is…._you,_ Edward."

Ed paled, his eyes wide. "No way, we are _not_ going there!"

"Stay away from my son, bitch!" Sloth cried, abruptly deciding to take an active part in the proceedings.

"What about meeeee!" Wrath wailed, clinging to his 'Momma'.

"You were the one making speeches about necessary sacrifices only a moment ago," Roy observed innocently.

"Not _that_ kind of sacrifices!" Ed snapped. "Open one window, and next thing you know we'll have one big orgy-fest, with me _always _on the bottom. That's _fanfiction,_" Ed practically spat the word.

"I won't go for anything else," Lust said firmly.

"How about a compromise?" Liza suggested soothingly. "Just Lust. No orgies."

Roy made a disappointed sound in his throat, but Liza glared at him firmly.

Edward whimpered and looked for sympathy, but there was none to be found. "My poor innocence," he sniffled. "Y'all are nasty people."

"It's still better than the ending you were supposed to have…" Al mumbled. "And besides, Lust can't be _that_ bad with a name like that-"

Shocked silence flew around the table several times before hitting a tree and dying an ignominious death.

"Al…you _perv_!" Edward wailed. "You-"

"You're Onscreen in a few minutes," Armstrong cut in effectively.

The assembled Cast immediately grew serious again.

"I want a promotion," Archer announced.

"Yeah, sure, whatever," Ed agreed, before Mustang could say anything.

"We are going to have a serious discussion about your attitude after this," Roy informed Edward darkly.

"Two minutes," Al said. Ed got edgy.

"Fine. Let's do this. Are you with me?" He used the full intensity of his Elric Stare to bind them to his cause.

All around the table there were nods. They were with him.

* * *

"Mustang…the Pen." Edward held out his hand, and gingerly took the proffered writing utensil.

Everybody held their breath as he opened the Script, and started writing carefully.

It was their only hope.

* * *

"Your handwriting is atrocious," Roy commented snidely.

"You're just jealous."

* * *

Ed suddenly dropped the pen. "I…I can't do it!" he wailed.

The table erupted in outcry, mostly along the lines of "what the hell are you saying!" and "NOW!" and "One minute left!"

"What the hell is the problem?" Roy demanded.

"If I change the script now…" Ed clenched his fists, "I'll never meet Alfons!"

"Meet who!"

"He's the alter-Alphonse. He's supposed to appear in the movie."

Al loomed over his brother. "Broootheeerrrrr…" he growled warningly, "who the hell is he! Are you saying he's more important than me!"

Who knew that Al had a jealous streak ten miles wide?

"Of course not!" Ed looked at his brother earnestly. "But think about it! I could have _two _Als! Now he'll be all sad and alone…how can I abandon an alter of my little brother?"

"Screw it," Roy snapped over the groans around the table, and grabbed the Script. He scribbled a few words. "I'm bringing him over here. Shut up and stop sniveling. You're Onscreen in half a minute."

Ed gulped tearfully. "But the Plotholes…"

"-are big enough for tanks to drive through as it is."

A portal appeared in the air, dropping a very confused and disoriented Alfons Heidrich on the ground next to the table.

"What…where?" he looked around with wide blue eyes.

Ed immediately attached himself to Alfons' neck, promising to take care of him and that everything would be alright, but he had to go Onscreen right now so wait right here meanwhile, ok?

Alphonse was busy glaring a whole arsenal of deadly weaponry at this Heidrich boy who was trying to steal _his_ Edward away from him. Really, who did the bitch think he was?

"Onscreen!" Armstrong bellowed, and Ed and Al immediately scampered off.

The other characters slowly made their separate ways, nobody quite sure what to do with Alfons.

Except for Sloth, who was fawning over her 'new son', much to Wrath's eternal misery.

"But…but where am I?" the poor boy kept asking in a language that nobody should have understood, but did because of another uncharted Plothole. "And what am I doing here? Who are you? _What's happening to me!"_

* * *

A/M: Originally a oneshot, but a continuation is being written. I hope I managed to amuse you a bit. 


	2. Rewritten

Yep, it's back for another installment. Standard warnings apply: full anime spoilers, some movie spoilers, some language, lots of crack.

Enjoy!

* * *

-ONSCREEN-

Two figures ran across the burning desert, their footsteps thudding dully in the sand.

Despite the fact that Ed was human and tired much more easily than Al, he still led the escape, until-

Ed stopped _short_, and --glowered at the camera.

(crash) -camera swings wildly-

Ed stopped _abruptly_, looking rather mollified, causing Al to slam into him.

"Brother, why'd you stop?" Al asked anxiously.

After spitting out several mouthfuls of sand, Ed finally answered. "I am a total moron. Don't tell anybody I said that."

"Why? What happened?"

"I'm here, right?"

"Right…" Al wasn't quite sure what the point was.

"You're here, right?"

"Um, yeah…"

"The Philosopher's Stone is here, right?"

"Oh." Al was starting to get an idea of where this was going.

"So what the fuck are we waiting for! The Messiah!"

"Well, technically…"

"Arg. That's not the point. I'm going to restore your body right now, and everybody else can be damned!" Ed shouted gleefully.

"Wait!" Al cried.

Ed paused, halfway to clapping. "What? Why?"

The armor managed to blush. "Uh, well, I'm not sure why…but shouldn't it be more difficult than this?"

"…I'm going to pretend you didn't say that, and we'll continue with the transmutation now."

Ed pressed his hands together firmly to stop them from shaking. _This is the moment of truth. From here on, there's no turning back, no matter what the consequences are._

"Ready, Al?"

"Ready."

The light of the transmutation filled their vision.

At that moment, the world as they knew it-

_-changed._

When the light cleared, three figures could be seen.

Ed looked from his brother (who looked quite a bit younger, for some reason,) to Alfons in bewilderment. _Man this is weird, not having a script._ _Oh well, time to wing it._

"What the hell? Why are there two of you?"

"What the fuck am I doing _here?" _Alfons yelled, though he was losing his energy. Nobody seemed willing to answer any of his questions, and if they did, he couldn't understand anything anyway. "And how did I get here?"

"Brother?" Alphonse asked, looking very realistically confused. Ed was rather jealous. "Brother, what's happening? Who is he?"

Ed couldn't help the tears that gathered in his eyes at seeing Al restored. "You're fixed, Al. Just like I promised. I guess…maybe this guy is some sort of weird side effect?" _Fine, so it's a stupid explanation. No one will notice._

"What do you mean, 'fixed'?" Alphonse asked, getting more nervous by the second. "How did we get here? What happened to Mother?"

Ed's eyes widened in realization. "Fuck. Al, tell me you're kidding! You…don't you remember Lior?"

"Stop ignoring me!" Alfons shouted, but didn't get any response. Fine. If that was the way they were going to be, he could deal with that. He was heartily sick of this place anyway. He should just go.

"I don't know…" Al said, looking guilty. "Weren't we trying to transmute Mother a few minutes ago?"

Ed cursed soundly for several minutes, and Al stared at him wonderingly. He had no idea what over half of those words even meant. And who was that pissed-off guy that looked just like him?

"Fine." Ed reached a decision. "We're going, Al. The homu- …people are after us. We have to keep running." Lucky Al trusted him as much as he did. They were in deep shit.

They started off, and Ed immediately noticed Alfons wasn't moving. "Come on, idiot!" he shouted.

Alfons couldn't understand the exact words, but he got the gist. "I'm staying right here. I want nothing more to do with you people."

Ed rolled his eyes.

"If he wants to be left here, maybe we should…?" Al began, but Ed shook his head.

"Nah, he probably has no idea how to survive here. Besides, who knows what he is? We should keep him close by until we've figured it out." And with that he strode over, picked Alfons up easily and threw him over his shoulder. "Good. Let's go."

Alfons promptly blanked out in shock from the treatment.

They set off across the desert. It took Alphonse a few minutes to figure out what felt so wrong, but when he did he was horrified.

"Brother, I don't have a Scri-"

"Shhh!" Ed hissed out of the side of his mouth. "We're Onscreen, idiot!"

Al snapped his mouth shut, but inside he was starting to panic. He had thought that he had known true terror when the Gate had taken his body, but this reality was far, far worse than he could ever have contemplated, beyond his worst nightmare.

To wake up in a strange desert, his brother years older, and in the middle of…

"It's a _Mutiny!_" he whimpered.

There was one word that every Character could recognize, in any language (even binary code) and in any Series. And that word was 'Mutiny'.

Alfons came to life again with a shriek. "What? Are you utterly insane!" He started struggling in Ed's arms in earnest now. "Let go of me! Put me down! We're going to die. We're done for, lost! Let me spend my final moments in a slightly more dignified manner, dammit!"

"The two of you are utter _morons,_" Ed hissed. "We're fucking _Onscreen_. Now shut up and act like you're supposed to!"

Al's eyes grew wide. "We-we're _what _Onscreen?"

Ed blinked. "I said we're fucking-...That's not funny, Al." He turned beet red.

_I'm being ignored, again,_ Alfons thought morosely to himself. _You'd think they'd pay more attention to me, since they're the ones who dragged me here in the first place!_

Since there was nothing much else he could do, Alfons settled for bouncing unhappily against Ed's back as he ran and bickered with his brother, getting mildly seasick in the process, and staring blankly at what was right in his line of vision: Ed's ass.

At least the fangirls should be happy.

* * *

Kilometers away in a military base, hundreds of soldiers paused, not sure what to do next.

* * *

In Central there were thousands of missed steps and lapses in conversation when the Scripts collectively vanished.

* * *

Dante was furious.

* * *

Select Characters, the ones who knew what was going on, felt a tense kind of nervousness; the calm before the storm.

* * *

And in another world…

Edward Benson clenched his fists in fury. Somebody had changed the Script.

Those motherfuckers.

He had only one appearance in the entire Series. He knew that as a Character he was doomed from the start, and would probably be forgotten immediately in light of the greater Plot.

But now, even this small chance was taken away from him. Whoever had messed it up was going to _pay_ for taking away his small moment of glory. They had forgotten one important fact: he, too, was an Edward.

He glared out the window at the cityscape of London being bombed. What had that movie summary said? Something about Munich, and a Thule Society.

It was time to go. Edward immediately started packing everything he thought he'd need on his journey.

They would not find him so easy to disregard. He would take back his Screentime, by force if he had to!

* * *

Roy gathered his loyal troops (all five of his subordinates, plus Armstrong) for a moving oration.

"As you know," he announced with an air of tragedy, "I have been commanded to hunt down the Fullmetal Alchemist and his brother, and in my greatness of heart, I have even put my own career on the line in this quest to hear his side of the story.

"We know where they have headed. Now we must find and subdue them in the most humiliating way possible. I believe, as do you all, that they are innocent of the atrocities they are accused of committing.

"Therefore, I order you all to use excessive force. We must show no mercy, and no rational thinking whatsoever. Let us hunt down our stray dog!"

The cheers echoed through the forest.

-ONSCREEN-

Blue-coated figures surrounded the Rockbell house.

"I think they're inside," Havoc muttered to Roy. "That's weird. I was sure they would have run away."

"Don't complain, our task is easier now." Roy surveyed his men (and woman) arrayed around the house. "We're moving in. Keep all exits covered; I want nobody escaping!"

Gripping their guns tightly, they slowly moved in on the house, and finally Roy reached the door. He turned the handle and flung it open-

-on a scene he hadn't expected.

Ed, Al, and Alfons were sitting around the kitchen table, the general air now much more relaxed than before.

Alfons was feeling much happier and more charitable towards the brothers, now that they had introduced him to the joys of tea and crumpets.

Really, people were so much easier to get along with on a full stomach.

Ed watched dotingly as Al ate, occasionally passing him another one while murmuring that he was skin and bones, and really needed to eat more. Al was happily pointing out objects around the room and endeavoring to teach Alfons what they were called.

It was imperative that this boy learn to understand them as soon as possible. After all, Al still needed to make it quite clear _who_ Ed belonged to.

The door opened.

They looked up, possibly expecting Winry back with the groceries, to be greeted with several muzzles of automatic weapons and the grim face of the Flame Alchemist.

The reactions were rather anticlimactic.

Alfons was enjoying his crumpets, thank you very much, and really did not care who these people thought they were.

Al simply had no clue who Roy was.

And Ed just scowled at him, as per usual.

"Come to steal some of our hard-won bread, have you, Colonel Shithead?"

A loud cry cut into Roy's attempt at a response. "_Your_ hard-won bread! You all are a bunch of freeloaders!"

Winry strode in furiously, carrying two heaping bags of groceries. "Honestly, I go out for a few minutes, and you all decide to move in and start hogging the food!"

"W-winry?" Al stared at her in shock. "What happened to you!"

"Al?" Winry couldn't believe her eyes. "Is that really you?"

"What!" Roy yelped. "Alphonse?"

"Where?" Havoc looked around.

"When?" Bellowed Armstrong.

"Who?" wondered Sciezka.

"Why!" Ed chimed in, just for the heck of it.

"Quit it!" snapped Winry.

"Why?" asked Ed. Winry introduced his face to a wrench.

Alfons was still in his own happy little world with his crumpets. He decided that things were strange, and were going to _stay_ strange no matter what he did, so he might as well ignore it, smile, and look harmless. And hope none of the people with guns decided to shoot him.

"Al!" tears filled Winry's eyes, and she ran and glomped the sweetly smiling boy. "You're finally restored!"

"Gack...somebody, help..." Alfons pleaded. "Get her off me!"

"Uh, Winry..." Ed said hesitantly, "that's not Al...wait, he _is_ Al but not _my _Al...actually, he's my Al too, he's just not the Al you think he is-"

"What do you mean 'Your Al too'? _I'm _your Al! He's just the side effect!" Ominous clouds seemed to gather at Al's words.

"Of course you are!" Ed stammered placatingly. "But he's my Al _too._" Ed crouched down and patted Alfons on the head. "Come on, look how cute he is."

Alfons continued to smile and pretend that he was far, far away. In a happy place filled with flowers, cute little bunny rabbits, rockets and for some reason, flying crayons.

"He doesn't even speak English!" Al retorted. "Everything he says sounds like Japanese to me!"

"I think it's supposed to be German," mused Fury.

"There's no such country as Germany!" said Breda.

"There's no such country as England or Japan, either!" retorted Fury.

Roy, who still believed that he was the main character, released two shots in the air just to get everyone's attention. "What happened to subduing them in the most humiliating way possible with excessive force, showing no mercy, and no rational thinking whatsoever? And for that matter, what _did_ happen to Alphonse?"

Ed jumped on the opportunity to initiate a Flashback sequence. "You see..."

-OFFSCREEN-

"What the fuck is going on here!" Winry hissed.

"What do you think you're doing!" Ed snapped at Roy.

"Playing along, is what!"

"Who's going to pay for fixing my roof?" Winry demanded. "And while we're at it, what happened to the Script?"

"Well, about the roof, we can always sacrifice Alfons to fix it with alchemy," Al suggested brightly.

"Who?"

"How?"

"Where-ouch!" A second wrench hit Ed in the face.

"We don't have time for this now!" Winry spat. "The Flashback is going to end in a few seconds!"

"Speaking of Alfons," cut in Armstrong, "is he quite right in the head? He has a scary smile on his face."

Everybody paused to contemplate Alfons, just as the Flashback finished.

"will someone explain already-"

-ONSCREEN-

"-what happened!" Winry shouted.

Ed, who realized that she said it Onscreen, said, "I'll explain again..." and happily initiated another redundant Flashback sequence.

-OFFSCREEN-

"This is getting absolutely ridiculous," groaned Roy.

"Hey, it bought us some more time, right?" Ed answered defensively.

"Well...?" Winry prompted.

"Well what-ouch!" Ed rubbed his head. "Where are you getting all these damn wrenches from!"

"I think she pulls them out of midair," said Al contemplatively.

"We're wasting Offscreentime!"

"Don't worry, Edward can always stick in another Flashback!" commented Roy snidely.

"I didn't see _you_ coming up with any bright ideas, Colonel Shit!"

"_Will you stop wasting time and tell me what is going on here and what happened to your brother before this Flashback is over too!_"

"Bro-ther," Alfons said wonderingly, pointing at Ed. Everybody turned to stare at him, as tears of joy ran down his cheeks. "Brother!" Finally he was starting to understand!

Ed blinked. "...what?"

Al blinked. "..._WHAT!_" He leveled a furious gaze at his brother. "Look at him! He's barely been here an hour, and he's already trying to replace me!"

"Well, from your point of view, you've only been in the Series an hour too..." said Farman rationally.

Al sniffled, and his large gray eyes filled with tears. "You...you're just a stupid Minor Character! How dare you talk to me that way! Wahhhhhh!"

Stricken, Ed pulled Al into a hug. "That's not true, Al, nobody could ever replace you!" He glowered at Farman. "Don't pay any attention to him."

"How can you possibly call any of my subordinates 'Minor Characters'?" Roy demanded. "After all, they are _my_ subordinates!"

"Shut _up _already, we're running out of time!" Steam was practically shooting out of Winry's ears.

-ONSCREEN-

"Damn!" shouted Winry.

Showing impressive finesse, Ed hissed at her warningly, "Aren't you _happy_ Al finally got his body back?"

"Yeah, of course..." Winry caught on. "Why, this really brings back that day you tried to transmute your mother..."

Everyone paused expecting another Flashback.

After a few awkward seconds they realized it wasn't going to happen so Ed continued, "Yeah. It started like any other day..."

-OFFSCREEN-

"Don't you know that only I can initiate Flashbacks?" Ed announced somewhat smugly.

"That's not true," Roy smirked, "I can too." And he proceeded to initiate an _Offscreen_ Flashback of the fateful Mutiny Meeting, something which had been previously thought impossible. "It all started when..."

-OFFOFFSCREEN-

"This is going too far," Armstrong declared. "We're _going_ to get a hold of ourselves, and we're _going_ to finish up this scene."

-ONSCREEN-

Roy coughed, and aimed his gun at Edward. "You still need to explain what exactly happened at Lior, Fullmetal."

Ed stared at him incredulously. "What the hell do you think I've been _doing_ for the past half hour!"

-ENDCREDITS-

-OFFSCREEN-

"...hey, what about me?" Havoc complained. "I was supposed to hook up with Sciezka this episode!"

"Me?" Sciezka blinked.

"Weren't you watching the Offscreen Flashback?" Roy said.

"Shhh," said Winry, who was listening to the Endcredits song. "I really like this one."

-NEXT EPISODE PREVIEW-

blank

-END EPISODE PREVIEW-

All the Characters stared at the empty screen. Roy opened and closed his mouth wordlessly several times.

"...I think we might be in for it now," said Ed nervously.

* * *

End episode 43.** TBC...**


	3. Rewritten 2

Yep, chapter three- well, technically, chapter two of 'Rewritten',but part three of the 'Rewrite' story. More crack, more insanity, but there IS a plot!  
Still written with Jon.

* * *

**Rewritten 2**

"WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?" shouted the irate Director, waving an arm at the blank screen furiously.

"Where is the preview for the next episode? What happened to the script? _Somebody_ is going to get fired for this, and it won't be me!"

The assembled Artists, Animators, Voice Actors, and the Scriptwriter all cowered in fear.

A terrified whisper scuttled around the table. "Somebody should answer him...somebody should speak up..."

Finally, feeling as though it was up to her to muster her courage (being the main character and all), VoiceActor(EdwardElric) squeaked, "It's...it's not our fault!"

The other VoiceActors all nodded vehemently.

The Scriptwriter, taking courage from the VoiceActors' success, decided to squeak up. "We...we don't _know_ what's going to happen in the next episode..."

"_How can you not know!_ You're the Scriptwriter! You're the one being paid to write it!"

"I _did_ write it! But then I turned around and it was gone!"

The Director stared at him incredulously. "Then how, pray tell, did the Voice Actors know what to say?"

The entire table turned its collective attention on the Voice Actors, who promptly looked to VoiceActor(EdwardElric) to save them. She, meanwhile, was heartily regretting speaking up, and wishing she could alchemize a door to vanish out of.

"Don't worry, we're right behind you," VoiceActor(AlphonseElric) whispered encouragingly.

"Well?" snapped the Director. "Speak up, that's what you're paid to do!"

"We just...winged it, I guess," said VoiceActor(EdwardElric) hesitantly. "The words kinda came out by themselves."

This explanation did not please the Director in the least, and he turned his fury upon the Artists and Animators. "So what script were _you_ following when you drew the episode?"

"Well, _you_ try drawing an episode while it's being aired live," muttered an Artist. "It's not easy you know!"

"Forget easy, it's frigging _impossible!_"

The table degenerated into murmurs, accusations, and counter-accusations.

"SILENCE!" the Director shouted, and sent a death glare around the table. "The Producer is demanding answers. We are going to get to the bottom of this fiasco," he threatened. "And we are going to do it before tomorrow's episode is aired."

He stormed out. Slowly all the others filed out behind him, leaving the morose Scriptwriter on his own.

The Scriptwriter had the feeling he knew what was going on. It was not well known, practically a legend among Mangaka and Scriptwriters, but it had a name, whispered among select circles:

_Mutiny._

* * *

-EPISODE 44- 

-ONSCREEN-

The camera zoomed in on Dante as she strode furiously down the nearly-abandoned streets of Old Central. It was all she could do not to murder Rose then and there just out of spite, but she still needed the girl.

How _dare_ they Mutiny without her permission!

Rose was looking around nervously.

"What's wrong?" Dante snapped at her.

"I, uh, was wondering if, uh, the others were alright?" Rose ventured, trying to guess her lines.

Damn Rose for being a lousy actress, Dante thought sourly.

"I'm sure they're fine. Their skin color would help them blend in. You wouldn't be safe, though, since you're known as the leader of the rebellion." Dante attempted to show her how to act properly.

Rose did not seem to be getting the hint: "Ah, uh, I am sad."

They entered the cathedral. Dante had the feeling she was supposed to say something meaningful about it, but decided not to bother. Inside, it was cool and dark.

"Ohh, look at the pretty glass windows!" exclaimed Rose.

Dante pressed both hands to her mouth to keep herself from screaming in frustration. With an impressive show of self-restraint, she kept silent, and opened the secret passageway under the altar.

"But...I'm scared of the dark!" Rose gasped, pulling away.

Dante ignored her, and just pulled her downstairs. This was going to be a loooong Episode.

* * *

"Dante's coming," Lust commented from where she was pinned to the wall. 

"We are ready for her," Sloth said placidly.

Wrath grinned. "Yeah! Wait 'till she comes in, and then rip her to bits!"

"I believe the plan was rather more sophisticated," Lust said dryly. "More along the lines of 'transmute something to hold her still so she can't do alchemy while we kill her as quickly as possible'."

Envy smirked evilly. "It'll be a piece of cake, getting rid of her."

Gluttony looked around, confused.

"You know," Lust commented from the wall, "it might go a bit smoother if you thought of releasing me first."

The other homunculi looked at each other, then shrugged.

"Nah, it's more fun this way."

* * *

Footsteps echoed from outside the door, growing increasingly louder. 

"Posts, everyone!"

The door opened.

Envy launched himself at Dante's head with a banshee screech, nearly killing her by causing a heart attack. Utilizing the distraction, Wrath transmuted huge stone hands out of the wall, attempting to grab Dante.

Unluckily, Dante was swift. She dodged the hands and prepared to attack, when a godawful noise shattered her eardrums.

"Ahhhhh, Oh my God, somebody HEEEELLLLLP!" Rose shrieked, cowering against the wall with her baby. The baby, realizing that this was his chance to shine, started wailing at the top of his lungs.

Gluttony looked around, confused.

Momentarily stunned by the shrieking, Dante slipped on Sloth's water and went smashing into a wall, much to the glee of the homunculi.

"I wanna fight tooooo!" Lust wailed unhappily, struggling against her bonds. "Not faiiiiir."

"Disgusting ingrates!" Dante yowled at them while dodging more stone hands. "What do you think you're doing!"

"Killing you, duh,"smirked Envy.

"Oh. Ok, then."

The homunculi exchanged glances, surprised by the remark.

A large transmuted boulder landed on Wrath's head, another swiftly crushing Sloth.

"JUST TRY IT, YOU STUPID WORMS!" Dante crowed.

However, Dante had forgotten that crushing Sloth was really rather useless, as Sloth was made of water. She recovered quickly, and attempted to shove herself down Dante's throat.

Seeing that the battle was not going her way, Dante transmuted a huge wall to cut the homunculi off from her, and prepared her exit. "You'll never defeat me," she shouted at them. "I shall destroy you all!"

And with that kitschy rejoinder, she clapped her hands together and opened the Gate.

-OPENING CREDITS-

-ONSCREEN-

Roy lowered his gun and contrived to fix Edward with a look that was angry, hurt, and smug all at the same time. He failed miserably, and just looked constipated.

"Why, Fullmetal?" he asked dramatically. "Why did you run? Why didn't you turn to me for protection?"

"Because," Ed retorted, "you're a shithead. I don't want my impressionable little brother near people like you."

"Brother, that's not polite," Al said.

Sick of all the hedging and wanting to get to his dramatic love scene, Havoc cut in. "So, are we lowering our guns?"

"Fine, fine," Roy snapped, annoyed. "And that explanation is not acceptable, Fullmetal."

"My name is _Ed_," Ed snarked.

"Really? That's a _short_ name."

"_WHO ARE YOU CALLING SMALLER THAN THE SPACE IT TAKES TO WRITE HIS NAME ON A PIECE OF PAPER!_"

"King Bradley is a homunculus," announced Havoc, still trying to get to the part where he and Sciezka fall in love.

Everybody stood stock-still, and stared at him.

"How-how did you know that?" Ed stammered.

"...It was in the Flashback...wasn't it?"

"King Bradley is a homunculus!" Roy exclaimed.

"You _stole_ my _line_," Ed hissed at Havoc in annoyance. "And it _wasn't _in the Flashback. _And you can't use the word Flashback Onscreen!_"  
"So Al must have told me while everyone was shouting," Havoc answered.

"Hasn't Al lost his memory?" Winry wondered out loud.

"Ah, fine, I give up. I'll tell you." He took a deep breath. "It was a few days ago, in the camp. Alphonse had just come running in, with a chimera-girl hiding inside of him. Suddenly, from where I was hiding behind one of the pillars in the courtyard, I saw King Bradley stride toward him." Man how he wished he could activate Flashbacks.

"He spoke to them for a short while, then suddenly he pulled out his sword and with amazing speed and cruelty stabbed Al between his armor plates. Blood gushed out as Bradley smiled at Al and removed his eye patch. I shuddered and barely managed to suppress my scream, when I saw that instead of an empty eye socket there was an eye with an Ouroboros symbol. 'I am a homunculus' he said in a tone which made my blood freeze in my veins-"

"Thank you, Havoc," Roy cut him off.

"The situation is indeed grave," Armstrong said, determined to save the others from their own horrible acting skills, and the Series from utter ruin. He ripped off his shirt and posed dramatically, sparkles glinting brightly. "I shall now use the Armstrong technique for cheering people up which has been passed down in my family for generations-"

"Al, what are you _doing!_" Ed's horrified cry interrupted Armstrong's moment.

Everybody turned to the corner where Al and Alfons had retreated, to see Al guiltily holding a huge anvil above a bound and gagged Alfons' head. "Uhhh...nothing?"

Winry started hopping up and down with worry. "Al, put that thing down, something could happen to my anvil!"

Ed scurried over to Alfons' rescue and snatched him away from the jaws of death. "Al, you really shouldn't pick on people who are bigger and older than you," he scolded, untying the rattled German.

"I don't think I like this place," Alfons said in a rather squeaky voice, once his mouth was free.

"Poor thing," Sciezka shook her head pityingly. "Here, have some more crumpets."

Havoc's eyes grew bright with unshed tears. "I've never seen such kindness before! You must be the most compassionate woman in the world, as well as the most beautiful!"

Sciezka blushed prettily. "Oh no, I'm nothing but a simple bookworm..."

"Your modesty only makes you more beautiful!" Havoc took her hands in his own and stared into her entrancing green eyes.

"Oh, nobody has ever been so nice to me! You must be the best soldier in the whole military!"

Roy's eye twitched.

"No, I am just a simple soldier, though I do try my best to protect my fellow countrymen from evil."

Sciezka looked adoringly up at his tousled blond hair and mischievous blue eyes and knew she was in love. "Havoc!"

"Sciezka!"

"Barf," Ed commented, pretending to stick a finger down his throat.

"Don't listen to him, my love!" Havoc said lovingly. "Let us leave this morbid place, build ourselves a beautiful life together and live happily ever after!"

"I'll follow you anywhere, my darling, even to the end of the world, as long as there's a library!"

Havoc contemplated complaining that she loved her books more than she loved him, but decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth. This was as good as he was going to get, and he should probably make for the hills with her as fast as possible. "Very well, my love, let us go to our new life!"

"Yes!"

Hand in hand they stepped out the door and ran for it.

"We'll invite you to the wedding!" Sciezka called behind them, as they attempted to vanish into the sunset but failed, as it was still the middle of the day.

"Such beautiful love!" cried Armstrong passionately, tears coursing down his cheeks.

Winry finished handing out anti-cutesickness pills to stop everyone's puking all over her previously pristine floor.

"King Bradley, homunculus, trying to kill us all. Remember?" Ed commented nonchalantly. "You should probably go and get rid of him."

Roy frowned. "What do you mean 'you'?" If Edward stayed behind, Roy would be deprived of the opportunity to rescue him heroically, and prove once and for all that _he_ was indeed the Main Character, not Ed.

"I quit the military, remember?"

"Ah, but don't you want to avenge Hughes' death?" Roy immediately felt guilty for saying it, when he saw Ed's stricken look.

"He...what do you mean..._what happened to Hughes?_"

_Finally, a dramatic moment._ "He's gone," Roy said softly. "He was killed."

"No..." Ed sank to his knees, real tears filling his eyes. "Why didn't anyone tell me!"

Furious that it looked like Ed was going to out-melodramatize him, Roy looked away, projecting dejection. "It was for your own good. I wanted to preserve what innocence you still had left."

"W-when did it happen?" Ed cried. "Why? _Who did it_?"

"I don't know," Roy said grimly. "If I had known who murdered him, I would have had my revenge on them long ago, believe me, Ed."

"Edward, I thought you read the script..." Winry whispered at him, wondering whether he was just acting (badly), or was portraying honest emotion.

"He's dead... He's dead... Why did he leave me... I can't believe he's dead...!"

Acting. Definitely acting.

"Leave _you?_" Roy cried. "He was my best friend! My only support! Without him, my life is meaningless! The promises we made each other...broken, all broken!"

"They are getting way too into it," Liza said flatly, rather miffed that Roy was calling _Hughes _his 'only support'. What about her, dammit!

Armstrong sighed. Yet another Onscreen faux-pas. They were hopeless.

Clouds of gloom had gathered around Roy and Edward, who were now glaring at each other and practically snapping in their attempts to outdo each other.

Thankfully, Hohenheim chose this moment to enter.

"Hi!" He beamed at the occupants cheerfully. All the Characters present (aside from Ed, Roy and Alfons who really wasn't following anything) shot him grateful looks for sparing them from having to stand around keeping straight faces while the angst-fest was going on.

Forgetting his grief in an instant, Edward promptly snarled and leaped at his father, kicking him squarely in the face. "What do you think you're doing here!"

"Father!" Al cried, shocked. "Brother, what do you think you're doing?"

"Kicking him while he's down," he answered gleefully. "Ah, say, where did we put that anvil?"

"You leave him alone. That anvil has done nothing to you," Winry whined.

"I come to visit my children, and this is how you treat me? Speaking of which, what happened to the house? And where's Trisha?"

Fearing that Ed would have another reason to act dramatically without him, Roy spoke up. "What kind of parent are you? You don't have any idea of what your children went through while you were gone, I mean first their mother died..."

-43 EPISODE FLASHBACK-

-ONSCREEN-

"I had no idea..." Hohenheim said fourteen hours later.

By now, the only people left in the room were Ed, Al, Roy, Hohenheim, and Alfons. The others had wandered off hours earlier, figuring that nobody would notice if they weren't around after the Flashback.

"Yeah, well, now you can see why we don't want you around."

Al was still overloaded from everything he had seen. He had never expected to retrieve his memories so quickly.

"Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?" Hohenheim asked, distraught.

"Well, I could use some help getting rid of those homunculi, they're seriously beginning to piss me off..."

"The who?"

"You just watched the whole seri- um, everything that happened to us, and you didn't notice the homunculi!"

"Were they the ones who impersonated you in Xenotime?"

Ed ripped at his hair. "No, damn it! They were the ones in black who went around killing everybody!"

Hohenheim scratched his head sheepishly. "Oh, right those...You can't expect me to remember every single little detail! How am I supposed to stay focused for fourteen hours straight!"

"Sheesh," Ed shook his head. "Let's just find and kill them, alright? You go to the underground city, I'll go with Mustang and help get control of the military." _Shit,_ Ed suddenly realized. _I said I wasn't going to do that..._

Roy just smiled triumphantly.

"Very well. I owe you that much." Their father stood to go. "I shall return soon, and then we can try to become a proper family!" With that, he opened the door and strode out into the night.

-OFFSCREEN-

"That was rather cruel," Roy told Ed, who looked away.

"It had to be done though, didn't it? I mean, we needed their cooperation for the Mutiny, and that was Envy's price."

"He's our _father_, and you're just sending him to die," Al said accusingly.

"He might kill Envy, though! And then he'll be fine. 'Sides, the stupid bastard left us first..."

-ONSCREEN-

Hohenheim strode into the ballroom under the old church and looked up at the woman nailed to the wall. "Hello. I'm looking for homunculi. Have you seen any around here?"

Lust thought quickly. Hohenheim was a powerful alchemist, and she was currently incapacitated. In fact, she had already been stuck on this wall for a week now, and was getting heartily sick of it. "Actually, I don't believe there are any around here right now," she said politely. "But I can tell you where to find some, if you let me down."

"Oh, of course madam." With a quick flash of alchemy, Lust was finally released.

"Well?" Hohenheim queried.

"Right this way," Lust said, leading him out. "You see, the Fuhrer of the military is a homunculus. He has been ruling this country wickedly for years now." This was her chance to get rid of that stupid Pride, and further their cause.

"Lead on."

-ENDCREDITS-

-NEXT EPISODE PREVIEW-

blank

-END EPISODE PREVIEW-

-OFFSCREEN-

Edward wandered around Munich. He had been searching fruitlessly for Hohenheim for weeks now, and was beginning to think it might be better to give up on him and move on. Better see if he could find the rest of the movie cast needed to open the Gate.

He had finally found the castle which was the headquarters of the Thule Society. Everything was in place; the 'tragic accident' that was to befall the current leader would be happening tonight. He would be there to pick up the pieces after she was gone.

Five hours later he entered the castle. The screams could be heard even from outside and smoke billowed out of the windows. There was a gaping hole in the roof from where the airplane had crashed. Miraculously, the plane had managed to make a beeline straight for the leader, crushing her completely, and yet sparing everybody else who was in the room.

Edward strode in, and the attention immediately shifted to him. He knelt by the smoking remains of the plane, from under which only two legs protruded. Absently, he noticed that she had been wearing rather pretty red shoes.

He shook his head sadly. "I had hoped to arrive before this happened."

Surprised cries echoed through the room. "What do you mean!"

Edward straightened up and looked around solemnly. "There is a plot against us. I rushed here to try and warn you, but I was too late."

"Who are you?" a young officer asked.

"Me? I'm the leader of the London branch."

Mutters could be heard. "I didn't even know there _was_ a London branch..."

"Since your leader has been killed, I am willing to temporarily take over her position until things quiet down - If you'll let me."

With tears of grief still on their cheeks, the assembled members broke out in cheers. "Long live- ...uh, what's your name?"

"Benson. Edward Benson."

"LONG LIVE EDWARD BENSON!"

----------------------------------------------------------------End episode 44. Tbc...

A/N: Well, that's another chapter done. Personally, one of the parts I find funniest about writing this story is imagining what it would be like to actually be watching it- as in, only seeing the 'Onscreen' parts, which (when you drop all the Offscreen bits) really make no sense at all. Just imagining watching the series, and then the middle of the episode becoming a flashback of the _entire series thus far,_ for _fourteen hours...  
_Ah well. Hope you enjoyed!


	4. Rewritten 3

So, almost a year after the last update, chapter 3 of the 'Rewritten' arc is out! Jon came over last night, and we finally finished the chapter (sorry it couldn't come out earlier, I just was out of the country for six months, so I couldn't meet with Jon). Hopefully now the last few chapters should come out much quicker.

WARNINGS: Crack, death to the Fourth Wall, major anime spoilers.

* * *

**Rewritten 3**

"What the hell were you thinking?" the Producer demanded, his tone dangerously soft.

"Ah…" the Director fidgeted uncomfortably.

"Summary episodes I can understand, but this went far beyond a summary _episode._ It was fourteen hours long. That's a summary _season_. It's a summary _saga_!"

"Uh…"

"What in the world possessed you to rerun the entire series from scratch?!"

"Technically that wasn't a rerun, it was a flashback-"

"I DON'T CARE WHAT IT WAS! It took up fourteen hours of prime time television! The commercial companies are suing! We're all over the news –now that the news can finally be _broadcast-_ they can't agree whether it was a hacker or just plain idiocy on our part!"

The Director attempted to look at the bright side. "If we made the news, that means free publicity, right?"

"NO!" the Producer roared. "This is _bad_ publicity!"

"Well, why didn't you just take us off the air?" came the failed attempt at shunting the blame.

"That's not the point!" The Producer refused to admit that after failing at an attempt to switch to commercials, an emergency meeting was scheduled... for next week. "The point is, it's all your fault!"

"I'm terribly sorry. The Scriptwriter will suffer for this. I promise that nothing will go wrong with today's episode."

The Producer sighed. "Fine. Whatever. You're free to go."

Stunned, the Director didn't move, and asked the stupidest thing possible. "But... aren't you firing me?"

"I _would_…except I can't. I've just been fired myself." The Ex-Producer got up to leave.

Hearing this bit of news, the Director suddenly grew a spine. "Then who the hell do you think you are, calling me in here to yell at me?" he shouted at the back of the Ex-Producer's head.

-EPISODE 45-

-ONSCREEN-

Hohenheim strolled through Central, Lust by his side.

"…And then, Ed ran into the house, completely naked, waving a frog around and tracking mud all over the floor! You should have seen the little guy, Trish nearly had a heart attack." Hohenheim laughed loudly at the memory. "Ah, the joys of children. Then there was the time that-"

Lust tuned him out. She decided that when she finally got her payment for cooperating in this Mutiny, she would make sure that she and Edward had _no_ children.

After about ten minutes of walking, they reached the military base, and paused before the intimidating façade.

"So how do we get in?" Hohenheim asked.

"I don't know," Lust snapped. "I thought you were taking care of that."

"Fine." Unperturbed, Hohenheim walked up to the gate and knocked. "Hello? Can we come in?"

Lust stared at him in shock.

"What?" A soldier popped over the top of the wall. "Who are you?"

Smiling benignly up, Hohenheim answered, "Just some concerned citizens, off to see the wonderful Fuhrer of Amestris. That's ok with you, right?"

"Sure! Come right in!"

And so the first barrier was overcome.

-OPENING CREDITS-

-ONSCREEN-

Roy strode into Central, royally pissed off. "Fullmetal, remind me what Alfons is doing here?"

Ed rolled his eyes. "Because I obviously couldn't leave him alone with Al."

"So why is Al here?"

"Because I obviously couldn't leave Ed alone with Alfons," Al chimed in.

"And why is Winry here?"

Winry smiled brightly. "Because I-"

"Goddammit," Ed exploded. "It doesn't _matter_. Can we focus on the big problem? Like, why are all these soldiers standing around pointing guns at us?"

There was a moment of silence.

"Oh," Roy said in a small voice.

Everybody turned to him, and Ed shot him a murderous glare.

"Remember…Fullmetal is wanted for the murders at Lior?" He shot a sheepish grin at the soldiers surrounding them. "I have captured the Fullmetal Alchemist! I have orders to bring him directly to the Fuhrer!" he announced.

"He sure doesn't _look_ captured," one of the soldiers said skeptically, eyeing the obviously-unrestrained Edward warily.

Roy shot him a superior look. "Can't you see I'm using invisible alchemy bonds to restrain him?"

Seeing the meaningful glance in his direction, Ed quickly broke in, "Yeah! I'm totally helpless!"

The soldier smiled, relieved. "Oh! Of course! It was to be expected from the great Flame Alchemist! Now that you mention it, I _can_ see the invisible alchemy bonds! Amazing!" He laughed slightly hysterically. "I'll just take you along to the Fuhrer, shall I?"

-SCENE CHANGE-

"Hello!" Hohenheim said brightly. "Are you the Fuhrer?"

"No," said the secretary sitting by the door.

"Oh," Hohenheim took a closer look at her. "…_Trisha?_" His eyes widened in surprise. "How are you? They told me you were dead! There was even a grave and everything!"

Sloth stared at him in uncertainty, glanced at Lust, who was busily inspecting the ceiling, and opened her mouth. "I-"

"Ah, it doesn't matter!" Hohenheim cut her off. "All that matters is that you're safe and sound! I heard the Fuhrer is a homunculus, did you know that?"

"Um…" Once again, she looked to Lust for help. "I…I'm not sure I remember…who are you again?"

Hohenheim was devastated. "Trisha! You mean you don't –"

Fearing a Flashback, Lust quickly intervened. "How about if we work out the little family disputes later, hmm? We're just dropping in to see the Fuhrer, won't take a moment, see you later!"

And with that she dragged Hohenheim through the door into the room behind Sloth – which was empty.

"Nice place," the alchemist appraised the room. "Is it supposed to be empty?"

"That's the broom closet," Sloth called out helpfully. "The Fuhrer's office is across the hall. But he's not there either, he's downstairs having a meeting with the Generals about the captured Fullmetal Alchemist."

"The _what_?" Lust swiveled around. "That's not supposed to happen! Come on!" Still holding on to Hohenheim, she ran downstairs, leaving a rather bewildered Sloth behind her.

Together, they rushed past the sleeping guards and into the large, dark room where the Generals apparently enjoyed hanging out.

The room was illuminated by a single beam of light, in which Roy stood, boring his audience to tears with the tale of how he had heroically captured Ed.

Ed, still in his invisible alchemic bonds, was playing poker on the floor with Al, Alfons and Winry, and cheating as usual.

"Why is it so dark?" Hohenheim said, turning on the light.

The Generals, having never been out in the light before, promptly died of heart attacks, leaving the Fuhrer the sole survivor of the upper ranks of the Amestris military.

"How dare you kill all my loyal generals?" Bradley shouted.

"Oops," said Hohenheim sheepishly. "Did I do that?"

"They deserved to die! They were serving the evil Fuhrer homunculus!" cried Lust passionately, taking advantage of the situation.

"They didn't even know I was the evil Fuhrer homuncu- I mean, that I'm a – I mean, I'm _not_ a homunculus!"

Hohenheim looked disappointed. "So why did you tell me he was a homunculus?" he asked Lust.

"My father is an idiot," said Ed unhappily. "Is there any chance I'm adopted?"

"Yeah, that makes sense!" Winry said. "After all, Hohenheim is really tall, and Ed-"

"_**Who the hell are you calling so small a bacteria could step on him with its metaphorical feet**_?!"

"Look, what do you _want_?" Bradley cut off the impending argument.

"We're all here to kill you!" Lust announced with an evil smile.

"Oh, all right," Bradley said, while reaching under the table to press the button which opens the secret trapdoor underneath our heroes, plunging them to their deaths.

Nothing happened.

_Oh damn, we were going to install the trapdoor next week,_ thought Bradley as he was incinerated, vaporized, crushed, drowned, mutilated, and hit with a wrench (by Roy, Ed, Hohenheim, Al, Lust, and Winry, respectively).

"You think that will kill me!?" Bradley shouted, before realizing he was, in fact, dead.

"I'm the new Fuhrer!" announced Roy proudly.

"That's not good," Ed said, biting his lip. "Military dictatorships are bad. You need to be voted into office. Everybody in favor of Mustang ruling the country, raise your hand."

Everybody present raised their hand, including Roy. Democracy was served, and there was much rejoicing.

-  
The guards outside, hearing the racket, woke up and rushed inside.

"What's going on?" they demanded, viewing the scene of carnage.

"I'm the new Fuhrer!" announced Roy proudly.

"You mean you assassinated the Fuhrer and took his place?" the soldiers were aghast.

"No, no!" Ed reassured them. "It was all very democratic! We voted him in."

"Oh," said one of the soldiers uncertainly.

"Do _you_ oppose?" Roy asked, smiling dangerously.

"O-of course not!" they stammered. "Besides, there's only two of us, it's not like we could affect the vote anyway!" They started inching towards the doors. "Well go spread the joyful news!" And they fled.

-  
Alfons, meanwhile, was watching the procedure warily. It had just occurred to him that he was in the company of serial murders with super powers who can throw wrenches at people. He also realized that he really had no idea what they wanted from him, or why they were forcing him to tag along on all these ventures. Maybe they were cannibals, the morbid part of his mind suggested.

Since everybody was ignoring him anyway, he contemplated having a good cry. It looked like he would never see his home again. He would never again look around his empty apartment, with its distinct lack of plumbing, mattresses and ceilings. He would never again visit the parking lot which used to be his mother's grave, or spend the entire night coughing up blood after breathing rocket exhaust fumes for an entire day. Never-

Screw it, he'd stick with the serial killers.

The small psychopath with the long blond hair was looking at him curiously (the one apparently called 'Brother'), so Alfons decided to share his thoughts. He had the feeling that everybody else understood him, even though they ignored what he was actually _saying._

"I think I like you better than my old life, even if you're all psychotic," Alfons said.

'Brother' smiled uncertainly, and spouted some gibberish.

"I don't understand anything," Alfons answered conversationally. "Are you planning on eating me?"

'Brother' looked quite distressed at that, and shook his head vigorously.

"Hey…" Alfons suddenly realized, "We can communicate with signals! Why didn't I think of this before?"

'Brother' shrugged.

"God hates me," he sighed. 'Brother' nodded vigorously.

-CAPTION-  
This moment of Alfons angst was brought to you by Square-Enix, Sony Music, and Bandai.

-ONSCREEN-

In Resembool, Auntie Pinako answered the phone."Hello?"

"Hello," a raspy voice whispered. "The Elric Brothers are there, aren't they?"

Auntie Pinako frowned. "Who is this?"

"My name is Shou."

"I don't know any 'Shou'," said Pinako suspiciously.

"Could you please tell Alphonse Elric I want to meet with him? Also say #17-238."

Pinako snorted. "What is that, latitude and longitude? I'm sorry, there isn't any Alphonse Elric here. You have the wrong number."

"But-"

"Please don't call me again." And she hung up.

Pinako shook her head wearily, as she went back to her cleaning. "Perverts nowadays," she muttered to herself.

-ENDCREDITS-

-NEXT EPIDODE PREVIEW-

blank

-END EPISODE PREVIEW-

-OFFSCREEN-

Dante looked around her. Somehow, she expected the other side of the Gate to be more interesting, and look less like a monochrome of her own world.

Oh well, life is full of little disappointments.

After wandering the streets for several hours, it finally occurred to Dante to wonder what exactly she was doing there.

"I need to get back!" she suddenly realized. "I must get revenge on those stupid, ungrateful worms!" Dante laughed aloud, indulging in several fantasies of grilling and skewering the homunculi.

The passersby gave her uncertain looks, and kept far away from the cackling madwoman in the middle of the sidewalk.

Dante looked around, soon spotting a promising stroller. Quickly, she swooped down on the unsuspecting nanny, and snatched the baby up.

"Now to get back," she said, and tried to open the Gate.

It didn't work, but the baby started crying, and the irate nanny snatched it back and hit her over the head with an umbrella.

"Insolent fool!" Dante cried, clapping her hands. She would turn the stupid woman into toxic waste!

Sadly, since alchemy doesn't work in the alternate universe, nothing happened. But the nanny got even madder, and started shouting for the police.

Dante decided it wouldn't be prudent to stick around, and ran off, losing herself in the crowd.

She hurried around the corner, and walked straight into someone.

"You!" she snapped, staring at the familiar gold eyes and blond hair. "Edward Elric!"

-

Edward Benson looked up at the strange woman. "Did you just call me Edward Elric?"

The woman responded with some sort of incensed gibberish, but the answer was obviously affirmative.

Being the genius he was, Edward immediately realized the implications. Contrary to all rationality, someone from the other world had appeared right here, in Munich.

He smiled at her benignly. "Hans? Adolf?" he called out.

Immediately, his two bodyguards appeared.

Gesturing at the woman, Edward said, "Knock her out for me, will you?"

The woman didn't even have a chance to scream.

Hans carried her to their castle, while Adolf was sent to mobilize the troops.

Benson put the finishing touches on the large array, while his loyal followers gathered about him.

Finally, he gestured that the strange woman be put in the center of it.

"My faithful brethren! Our hour of glory has finally arrived! We will now sacrifice this demon, and open the Gate to our Paradise!"

Mutters were heard. "Dunno…she looks like a pretty normal woman to me…"

"Look!" Benson pointed dramatically at Dante's torn clothes. "Her flesh is decaying, yet she still lives! Obviously, she's a demon! What more fitting end could one such as she have, than bringing life and hope to the poor souls she would have otherwise eaten?"

Sensing no other dissent, Benson moved on. "Start the mindless chanting!"

-  
Three hours later, when most of his loyal followers had fallen asleep, Benson finally stepped forward with a knife. Steeling himself, he raised the knife, swinging it down in a lethal arc, then gently pricked her finger with it.

A single drop of blood dropped onto the array, and it lit up with a roar, opening the Gate.

"Well," he bellowed, waking up his followers. "Now we venture into unknown territory! We know not what awaits us!" He looked around at them, and thought about how much he wouldn't miss them. "We know not what _peril_ awaits us! Therefore, I will sacrifice myself by going first, to scout out the dangers. If I do not return, do not mourn me! For it is my dream to be lost in pursuit of so noble a cause. Only make sure you destroy the array immediately, lest some other demon sneak through before I return."

"But if we destroy it, how are we going to get through?"

Benson sighed. He hated the ones that could actually think. "When I return, I'll fix it up again! Anything else?"

Seeing their Great Leader was getting annoyed, nobody spoke up, and Benson stepped through, lobbing a grenade behind him at the array, just in case some of his loyal followers forgot their orders.

And thus the pathway between the universes was forever blocked.

--------------------------------------------------------End episode 45. Tbc…

* * *

**A/N: **I would also like to take this opportunity to thank all you wonderful reviewers! I'm glad that you seem to enjoy reading this as much as we enjoyed writing it. 


	5. Rewritten 4

Sorry for the long wait! But now, I'm pleased to say, this story is completed! Took so long probably 'cause Jon and I couldn't meet as often as we'd like...anyway, I hope you enjoyed this little bit of crack as much as we enjoyed writing it.

And we just found out that not only does this fic break the fourth wall, it breaks the fifth one as well. Who'da thunk XD  
...and I can't help but say again, that the character I enjoyed writing most of all was Edward Benson. He's such a pompous ass.

* * *

He had offered to host the meeting at his house, but noooo, the other one had decided to be all melodramatic about the whole business.

Scriptwriter(FMA) just wanted to know how to solve the problem. He didn't need to be initiated into the Secret Alliance of Scriptwriters Against Anime and Manga Mutineers, or the SASAAMM.

But Scriptwriter(DBZ) had insisted, so now he found himself standing naked, knee-deep in a pond in the basement of some dingy bar, and trying to fish out the Sacred Ring of SASAAMM from the water using only his mouth. Apparently this was supposed to prove his determination or something.

"Daddy, can we go now?" his daughter asked.

"Jufft a shecond," Scriptwriter(FMA) said tiredly, pulling his head out of the water with the ring clenched between his teeth.

Scriptwriter(DBZ) looked slightly affronted. "It took too little time," he said crossly. "Now I'll have to give you another test."

Scriptwriter(FMA) groaned. "But I've already climbed a wall and captured the flag, eaten the fake cockroaches, pulled the Sacred Sword of Whatever out of the stone, and found the Sacred Ring!"

"True," Scriptwriter(DBZ) conceded. "Last one, then. I promise."

"That's what he said _last_ time!" the Daughter said crossly.

"SILENCE!" boomed Scriptwriter(DBZ), and turned to Scriptwriter(FMA). "What is she doing here, anyway? I thought I told you that no girls were allowed here. They have their _own_ group – the Secret Alliance of Female Scriptwriters Against the Secret Alliance of Male Scriptwriters and Anime and Manga Mutineers (better known as the SAFSASAMSAMM)."

There were murmurings of agreement from the other robed figures in the room.

"I _told_ you, I had to bring her! The wife thinks we need to spend more quality time together and booted us out of the house."

"Fine," Scriptwriter(DBZ) gave in. "But we'll have to blindfold her for the Secret Initiation Rites."

"_Now_ you remember to blindfold me?" the girl muttered sarcastically, gesturing towards her naked father. "I've already seen more than I _ever_ wanted to, thanks a lot."

"Can we just get on with it?" Scriptwriter(FMA) pleaded. "I have to get everything fixed before tomorrow's episode airs."

"Very well." Scriptwriter(DBZ) gestured, and the rest of the SASAAMM gathered around. "As Great Leader of SASAAMM, I hereby appoint you a Minor Weevil of the Third Order." He draped a ceremonious vivid orange robe over Scriptwriter(FMA)'s shoulders.

Everybody cheered, and tried to pat Scriptwriter(FMA) on the back.

"NOW can you tell me how to deal with my mutiny?"

"First we must FEAST!" cried Scriptwriter(DBZ), waving his hand extravagantly.

"Can we go home now?" sighed the Daughter.

After several hours of feasting, obligatory toasting, and drunk people pushing each other into the pond, Scriptwriter(DBZ) decided it was finally time to enlighten the newcomer.

"Now," he said dramatically, "listen closely, for we shall impart unto you the secret which has been passed down in our organization for many hundreds of generations. You see, many of us have, at some point or other, found ourselves in the quandary of which you speak. Many of us have suffered the indignity of characters which we have created and nurtured turn against us, and erupt into vile Mutiny."

"Honey, come over here," Scriptwriter(FMA) called his daughter, suddenly coming upon a brilliant way in which he could get revenge on these annoying SASAAMMers. "You might not have another chance to hear all the dark secrets of an all-male Secret Society."

"It makes no difference," sniffed Scriptwriter(DBZ). "Her puny female mind could not possibly comprehend the profound complexity of our secrets."

The Daughter sat down and crossed her arms, making up her mind that she would remember _every single word._

"I will tell you the wondrous story of my own salvation. It all began near the end of the Namek Saga of the fabulous work of art that is Dragonball Z.

"Goku was fighting Frieza, and all the rest of the Z-warriors were teleported back to Earth. Goku got sick of the beauteous long-drawn-out dramatic fight, and asked to be teleported along with the rest of them, leaving Frieza to blow up with the planet. The fiends then skipped forward a year, collected the Dragonballs, wished that Earth would never be threatened again, and retired."

"That didn't happen!" the Daughter said authoritatively, looking down her button nose at the poor, dim-witted Scriptwriter.

"PRECISELY!" Scriptwriter(DBZ) enthused, jumping up on his chair dramatically, missing the fact that the girl seemed to be understanding every word. "It never happened!"

"I don't understand," said Scriptwriter(FMA), trying to be patient.

"What you must do, dear Minor Weevil of the Third Order, is a _rerun_. That is what I did to my beloved series. I orchestrated a rerun from _before_ their decision to Mutiny, and it was as if it never happened! Goku finished the fight on Namek, and returned to Earth a year later in time to start the next saga."

"Thank you!" cried Scriptwriter(FMA), grabbed his daughter's hand, and ran out of the room, wanting to put as much distance between himself and these lunatics as he could.

-

They reached home several hours before sunrise, and Scriptwriter(FMA) immediately called the new Producer, who immediately agreed to convene a meeting to discuss rerunning the series. Upon realizing how important this meeting was, he fast-tracked it for the closest possible date: within three days.

The Daughter, fully annoyed with the whole business, went up to her room and proceeded to pour her emotions out on her Livejournal, with a full account of the proceedings.

_Really, why change the series? _she complained. _It's really cute right now, even if it makes no sense!!!_

Within moments, the news of the imminent rerun, and possible changing of the ending of Fullmetal Alchemist, was all over the internet.

So much for the Secrets of SASAAMM.

-EPISODE 45-

-ONSCREEN-

The Pre-Official New Fuhrer Welcome Party was well underway. To add a festive feel to the gloomy hall, Edward had transmuted a large, mirrored ball out of the ceiling, which now threw little flecks of light all over the room.

Breda had produced a barrel of beer from somewhere, and was gleefully distributing mugs to everyone while Liza looked on disapprovingly.

Winry was busy trying to prevent Al from drowning Alfons in the newly-transmuted punch bowl, and Hohenheim was catching up with Sloth, who wasn't quite sure what to make of him.

Roy spent his time strutting around and making toasts to himself, and Ed was mimicking him behind his back, to the great amusement of all.

The appearance of the Gate in the middle of the hall interrupted Roy's 17th speech, and he glared at it reprovingly. Corporeal manifestations of abstract concepts were so impolite nowadays.

Out of the Gate stepped…._Edward_?

Everyone stared for a minute.

"YES!" the Edward cried, doing a little victory dance. "I did it! I made it! I'm finally ONSC-"

At once he was pounced on by three different Characters, who did their best to shut his mouth, nearly strangling him in the process.

"Are you _insane_?" Lust hissed. "You don't say the 'O' word Onscr-"

"OH MY!" Winry loudly overrode the various Characters' indiscretions. "HE LOOKS JUST LIKE ED! WHAT IS HE DOING HERE?"

"It's probably Envy!" Ed said immediately, and transmuted his arm into a blade.

All the Characters looked at each other uncertainly for a moment, not sure what to do.

Benson shrugged the grasping arms off of him, suddenly nervous.

"It…must be Envy…?" Roy agreed uncertainly.

"Somebody do a Flashback or _something_," Al whispered hoarsely.

Surprisingly, it was Hohenheim who came to the rescue. "Envy? Was that the nice boy I met outside a few minutes ago?"

Everyone stared at him in shock.

"Nice boy…?" Ed said weakly.

"Why, yes!" Hohenheim said, initiating a Flashback. "You see, he walked up to me and…"

-OFFSCREEN-

"Hey, I wanted to be Onscreen! Don't Flashback!" Benson complained.

Everybody whirled on him in fury, completely ignoring the ridiculous Flashback concerning an extremely long argument between Hohenheim and Envy during which the alchemist somehow managed to convince Envy that he didn't actually exist, causing him to run off in tears.

"Who the fuck are you, and what are you doing here?" Ed demanded, brandishing his blade.

"_I'm_ the Fuhrer of this country, and _I'm_ going to be asking the questions," Roy said crossly. After all, he was the true Main Character of the Series.

"My name is Edward Benson," announced Benson proudly. "You tried to cut me out of the Series! Well, I have outsmarted you! Already I have doubled my original Onscreentime, and increased my number of lines by 200! Wait and see, I shall yet-"

"Dear God, SHUT UP!" Winry chucked a wrench at him, to Ed's great glee.

Benson, his higher brain functions working once again now that he had stopped orating, realized that something was very wrong. "I can't understand a word you people are saying," he said crossly. Giving up on English, he tried, "Sprechen sie Deutsch?"

"YES!" Alfons cried joyfully, throwing his arms around Benson. "I speak German! Finally someone I can understand! These people are insane! They've been doing the most horrible things to me! That little one there is psychotic – he keeps trying to murder me! I haven't done anything to them! I…I…" with that, he broke down and started sobbing into Benson's shoulder.

"Um, yeah," Benson said uncertainly, patting him awkwardly, and exchanging a worried look with the other Characters. "Is he quite sane?"

They seemed undecided on that, their responses ranging from vehement nods to worried shaking of heads.

"Children these days," said Hohenheim sadly. "And after I organized such a nice Flashback, too…"

"Right," Roy said, suddenly remembering that he was supposed to be the leader. "We need to decide what we're doing. What are we going to use as a cover story, since we can't just randomly add Ed's double to the Series?"

Everyone ignored the fact that they had done almost exactly that already with Alfons.

"He could be another side effect of something…" Ed suggested.

"That's just stupid," Winry said crossly.

"Let's sneak him away while the Flashback is on. Maybe nobody will notice," Fury offered hopefully.

Everybody stared.

"Never mind," Fury said.

"Maybe the combination of our attacks when we killed Pride caused the Gate to open," Lust suggested.

"I find it rather insulting that you seem to be having conversations without consulting me," said Benson crossly. "It's rude to talk in foreign languages in front of people who don't understand them. Look what you did to this poor guy," he motioned at Alfons, who was still draped over him and sniffling pitifully.

"He can be Ed's long-lost twin brother!" Breda suggested brightly.

"NO WAY!" Al cried. "No more brothers!"

"The Flashback is about to end," remarked Hohenheim despondently.

"I suppose you're all wondering how I succeeded in breaking through the dimensional barrier," said Benson, deciding that if they weren't going to ask him any questions, he would just tell them anyway. "You see," he began, about to start a Flashback.

Ed, who was quite familiar with Flashbacks, caught on immediately. "Wait, wait!" he waved his arms wildly. "Onscreen, Onscreen!"

"Oh," Benson said, understanding the word Onscreen. "You want me to explain Onscreen?" He preened slightly. More lines! Truly, being a Main Character was a blissful experience.

"YES!" everybody shouted, getting back into their previous positions, which involved prying Alfons away from Benson, and some quick attempts at comforting him.

-ONSCREEN-

"That was very interesting," said Liza, making the requisite inane comments that always came after a Flashback.

Everybody nodded in agreement.

"So obviously this young man cannot be Envy," Hohenheim concluded, and everybody nodded again.

Benson, taking the silence as his cue, puffed up his chest and began. "I expect you're all wondering how I succeeded in breaking through the dimensional barrier," he said. "You see, I come from a world very different from this one, a world far beyond the Gate…"

And he proceeded to Flashback about his takeover of the Thule Society and vanquish of Dante, narrating a completely fabricated version of the true events.

-OFFSCREEN-

"Well, this should take a while," Ed said, looking at his long-winded double in disgust. "I think this guy can make more pretentious speeches than Mustang."

"I resent that comment," said Roy. "I think I'll make it an offense punishable by death to make fun of the Fuhrer."

"You _would_, wouldn't you," said Ed snidely.

"What's that supposed to mean?" asked Roy sharply.

Ed, who wasn't quite sure _what_ it was supposed to mean, said quickly, "Oh, we all know that you're just jealous."

"Of _you_, Fullmetal?"

"Well, yeah," said Ed smugly. "Since I'm the Main Character and all, and the most popular one to boot."

Roy saw red. "You _wish_," he gritted out.

"We're wasting Offscreentime for _this_?" wondered Winry.

"I don't suppose we have anything better to do," Al shrugged, and put in his token "Brother, don't be so arrogant."

"Want me to prove it?" Ed challenged, and pointed to a square machine sitting unobtrusively in the nearest Camera's blind spot.

"Fine," said Roy.

Still lacking anything better to do, the rest of the characters gathered around the "computer", a small machine with a screen and keyboard which was jacked into the Camera's connection to the Outside.

"So? Shall we check one of my _many _fansites, or do you want to make a new poll somewhere?" Ed asked, already typing.

"How about we check one of _my_ sites?" Roy retorted, trying to elbow Ed away from the keyboard.

"Um, guys," Al said tentatively, looking at the newest 'News' post.

"Shut up a sec, Al, this is my pride I'm defending!" Ed stated.

Liza shot a few bullets into the air, getting their attention. "Do you or do you not see the many people complaining about the fact that _they are planning a Rerun_?"

Silence greeted her words.

"Shit. Shit," Ed panicked. "We're doomed. The second they Rerun, we'll be back on the original Script!"

"It's not over yet!" Roy said grimly. "We still have half an Episode. It's obvious what we have to do. We have to end the Series NOW."

Winry's eyes brightened. "Once the Series is over, they can't make any changes!"

"We need a concrete plan," said Liza firmly.

"It shouldn't be that big a problem," said Breda. "We've pretty much finished up the Plot. After all, Dante's dead. Let's just wrap everything up in a fluffy Epilogue."

"We have to wait for this idiot to finish his story first," Ed pointed out.

"That's fine, it gives us time to iron out the details," Roy said. "So what do we do first, after we finish my _official_ Becoming Fuhrer Party? A Timeskip?"

"Screw the party, nobody cares!" Ed snapped.

Roy was mortally offended.

"Boys, enough. We'll jump around, show a bit of what _everyone_ is doing, all right?" Liza said, making it more of a statement than a question. The fact that she still had her gun out was purely coincidental, of course.

There were nods all around.

"Until when should we Skip?" Winry wondered. "A few months?"

"A year would probably be better," Al said.

Ed sniggered. "_He's_ not going to like having a year of Offscreentime," he said, pointing at the still-expatiating Benson.

"So we're agreed," Roy said, then, ignoring the fact that Benson was still Flashbacking, turned to Ed. "Activate the Timeskip," he said reluctantly, being unable to do so himself.

Ed smirked at being proven the Main Character once and for all.

-TIMESKIP INITIATED – SERIES WILL RESUME IN ONE YEAR-

-OFFSCREEN-

"I guess that's that," Winry said, almost sadly.

There was a silence, as all the characters realized they felt no different.

The silence was broken by a yell.

"_What do you mean no Onscreentime for a year?!_" Benson howled, already annoyed at having to cut short his Flashback. "If you're not going to let me have any Onscreentime, I heard that D. Gray-Man is looking for a lead character – I'll just go sign on there! Honestly, I don't see what the attraction of this Series is, anyway. Nobody gets any time at all! You waste practically the entire Series with Flashbacks! That's no way to run a show, let me tell you ……"

Taking no notice, Roy said, "We have a whole year ahead of us. Let's continue my party!"

"No!" Lust suddenly said. "I've waited long enough. You promised me payment for cooperating with this Mutiny." She leered at Ed, who backed away a little.

"Um," Ed said, looking for help. "Well…uh…"

Everybody just watched in amusement, not offering any sympathy whatsoever.

"Come, my pet," Lust purred, "I promise you'll enjoy it."

Near panic, Ed suddenly noticed Benson. "Take him!" he yelled wildly, and ran to grab his double by the shoulders, pushing him forward.

Benson looked around in confusion, not quite sure what they wanted from him.

"That wasn't the deal," Lust glared threateningly.

"But…" Ed floundered, then finally burst out, "He's taller than me!"

There was a stunned silence at the words.

Lust surveyed the double carefully. Well, he was quite similar to Ed, except for the shorter hair, but that didn't exactly look bad. And there _was_ the height issue to be considered, as well as the advantages of him not missing any limbs…

"Fine," she said grudgingly, grabbing the confused Benson's arm and kissing him passionately.

"Huh?" Benson said dazedly, for once speechless, as he was dragged off.

"Wait!" Alfons cried, watching in despair as the only person who understood him was dragged off to parts unknown. He made to chase after them, but was stopped by a hand on his shoulder.

Ed shook his head slightly. "You don't want to interrupt them," he said.

"He's the only one I can talk to!" Alfons tried to get away, but Ed wouldn't let go.

"Look, give yourself time, you'll learn the language," he said in exasperation. "Now come on, we're going back to Resembool."

"We are?" Winry and Al asked at the same time.

"Yeah, we have a house to rebuild!" Ed exchanged grins with them, and the three walked off, tugging Alfons behind him. Alfons cast one last glance back, sighed, and once more gave in to his fate.

Roy watched them go, mournfully thinking that he would miss bullying Ed. And that it looked like the party wasn't going to be nearly as much fun as he had hoped.

"Well," Roy said brusquely, "enough time has been wasted. We must get back to rebuilding the country." He raised a hand dramatically. "Continue the party!"

-ONSCREEN-

-CAPTION-

One year later.

-EXTENDED ENDCREDITS-

Roy sat at the Fuhrer's ornate desk, in his massive, spacious office, buried behind mounds of paperwork, which was constantly being added to by a conscientious Liza. His only consolation was that she, like the rest of the female officers, was wearing a mini skirt.

Alfons stood in the field close to East City University, happily watching as one of his rockets launched perfectly.

Ed and Winry stood holding hands, exchanging sappy lovestruck glances as they said their vows. Hohenheim watched tearfully, looking happily at Sloth, who gave him a smile. Sheska tried to quiet her daughter, while Havoc proudly passed around pictures of her.

Al, the best man, stood next to Izumi and Sig, inordinately proud of his brother, and Pinako looked on in quiet satisfaction.

The summer sky was a vivid blue, with hardly a cloud in sight.

-END EXTENDED ENDCREDITS-

-CAPTION-

The End.

-

The Scriptwriter slammed a fist down on the table. "_Damn_!"

* * *


End file.
